I know it's been a while and I haven't posted and blah blah blah, but it's because my computers down and it's being poor :P
People are probably wondering whats going on in my life...well it goes something like this *ahem* -I'm addicted to pain..I cut my self on perpose so i can feel the pain and that i want to die... -I want to die... -Mr. Mo cut me from my play for one acts...COMMUNIST ASSHOLE!! -I feel no more happyness...and when I do it gets crushed some how. -I'm leaving for camp on june 26th and prom is June 25th...hangove 101 i think :P
I can't think of anything else right now. I'm to tired too...meh! I just have to wait for dinner then go to a party with Sharlyn since I'm spending the weekend here! Go team!
Last night at One Acts this dude janitor guy pissed me off and told me to pick my crap up off the floor when I drops a couple of Smarties nd when i did he though I told him to kiss my ass which I DIDN'T! Then he told Mr. Mo and he cut me... grrr to him! Asshole.
After it was all done it was about 9:30pm and I decided to walk home insetead of getting a ride fro ann-marie and Chris tagged along. We didn't get to where I was staying till 11:45pm...I didn't think it would that THAT long lol...oh well
Gotta go...fooooooood Laterz ~*~Mandy~*~
PS: I promise not to get tooooooooo drunk...just for you Mal hun *hugs* feel better sweetie I HEART you :)
RIGHT NOW: WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: blue WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?: blue and white ARE YOU WEARING UNDERWEAR?: i hope so...let me check...yep! WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO? comercials from the radio WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE: dark...cloudy...its night time lol!
DO YOU: GET MOTION SICKNESS? not very often... GET LOVE SICK?: ...yes... HAVE A BAD HABIT?: too many...my biggest...pushing people away GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: no LIKE TO DRIVE?: Mwa-haha!! Very much so!!
FAVOURITE: TV SHOW: Hmmm...Joan of Arcadia and Charmed. CONDITIONER: Pantine Pro-V...that shit does wonders for my hair. BOOK: Hmmm...that's a toughie...I'd have to say Stephen King's IT! MAGAZINE: Enquier...to make fun of the lies lol! NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: PEPSI!!! AHHH!!! I can't go a day w/out it! ALCOHOLIC DRINK: "Holy Shit" (aka tequilla and hot sauce...eh Jade! ;) ) THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: Party BAND or GROUP or SINGER or RAPPER: Nickelback, Evanescence, Pink Floyd, Kumi Kodi
HAVE YOU: BROKEN THE LAW: Many times RAN AWAY FROM HOME: Yes...didn't go very well SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: yes SKINNY DIPPING: YEP!! It was fun!! Go out door ed!! MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: Yep! "Welcome to Arnolds Pizza shop!" lmao!! STOLE YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD?: ...nope! SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: School??? ...:) FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: yea...the water got cold really fast tho...brrrr BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: Yes...GO ALLADIN!!! LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: Many times before, and many times to come
RELATIONSHIPS: BOYFRIEND: nope GIRLFRIEND: nope SEXUALITY: bisexual CHILDREN: Now: TONS!! pfft! HELLS NO!! In future: I hate kids...I dont think I'll ever have any CURRENT CRUSH: ...hmm? No one BEEN IN LOVE?: Once...maybe twice...didn't last for a long time... HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE?: *sigh* it's been 4 years...and he still lingers... BEEN HURT?: ...to many times YOUR GREATEST REGRET: *sigh* GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: Going out...?how bout made out?? That works better, then that would be a yes lol!
WHEN/WHAT WAS THE LAST: TIME YOU CRIED?: Thurseday night YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: Yep, I had a pen pal once...I haven't written to her in a looong time... I should do that :) YOU GOT E-MAIL: I got one from Jen today....hmm...? lol! THING YOU PURCHASED:Purcahse? Which way? Money or five finger discount? PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: I haven't watched tv yet lol!
YOUR THOUGHTS ON: ABORTION: It's ur life...murdering bastards! TEENAGE SMOKING: I smoke like a jew in an oven! what do you think I think of it! THE SPICE GIRLS: *blink blink* GO SPORTY!!!! lol!!
Post a memory of me in the comments. It can be anything you want. Then post this in your journal and see what people remember of you
Sh-well, i haven't added in a while since my computer is down and it's being really poor!!! Grr to all who created the internet!!!....not really but you know lol.
My annual review is on saterday.(Which is today...but this is a previous post lol :P )...!! NO! I'm nbot ready and my voice is craping out on me!!! grrr!!! not cool! Oh well...it'll all work out...hopefully. We've only had three practices with my cadet corps and its really sucking. My band isn't ready for this and they can't even play O'Canada let alone "Light of Foot" ... cadet song don't worry if you don't know it :P Any who, my drummers are going to do something cool, and it's gong to be great. I have to be there for 8am...booooo....I have to get up at 7:30am booooo!!!! Oh well, no massive partying on friday...meh...I'll get over it! :P
After my annual review its going to be Kendra's birthday party...WOO-HOO!!!! I'm gonna be really tired but...*musical interlude* I WILL SURVIVE!!! lol! go me!!
Well I gotta run...have to ditch the library before the teach tries to kill me lol!
1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says. "anyway? Why didn't you get one of the gorillas on the" - Thirteen - Christopher Pike
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? Computer monitor
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Hockey game! go SENS!!
4. WITHOUT LOOKING, guess wad time is it. 11:17pm
5. Now look at the clock, what time is it? 11:16...creeepy
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? Silence
7. When did you last step outside? what were you doing? About an hour ago...Sharlyn and I walked Tara home
8. Before you came to this website, what did you look at? Mal's update
9. What are you wearing? -Chris's sweater -my orange over shirt -pj pants
10. Did you dream last night? ...I've had this dream to many times...Everyone know which dream I'm talking about...
11. When did you last laugh? When Sharlyn was taking my tempature lol
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? to much to write down...holy pictures tho ;)
13. Seen anything weird lately? ...perhaps
14. What do you think of this quiz? ...it's alright I guess...who makes these thingz anywayz??
15. What is the last film you saw? Good Boy!! That was sooooo cute!!!
16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? an ice cream cone!!!! I LUV ice cream!! :P
17. Tell me something about you that I don't know. I always feel like I'm being followed or watched
18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? I would go back to my past and tell my self not to run away from home, not to take drugs, not to drink and not to smoke...or I would try to stop Juliene from killing himself...
19. Do you like to dance? Yea! I'm black!! LOL!! I just can't teach it very well (ie: Sharlyn and Chris...YOU'RE WHITE!! LMAO!!)
20. George Bush? I hate him, he has no idea what he's doing...He's killing more then he's saving...
21a. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Victoria...Tory for short
21b. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Alexander...I don't know what it is...i just love that name
22. Would you ever consider living abroad? away from my friends? I already do that! I live in friggen Queerbec!! I mean c'mon! That's abroad enough isn't it lol! Truely...move away...I can't I love my country...I love my home...I love my friends...I can't live without them...LOBING-GRRR!!!!
Thanx Malissa...i think I'm tired enough to go to bed lol!!
I know I know!! Everyone's getting worried for me...the pilz the drug selling...I turning back to who I was...and what got me into a huge load of trouble in the past...I don't want history to repeat itself...not now...just when I'm starting to feel normal again...I...I can't even think straight...I need to be able to pull through this...I can't drown...I've done so much to try and help people through the same problems I've had/have...and I can't lose people now...I just can't, no Hell or high water will stop me...hopefully...
I'm at Sharlyns...still lol! And We just got the score for the hockey game..Sens 2-1 OT!! WOO-HOOO!!!! GO SENS GO!!! YAY!!! Wooo-hoooo!! ...Stupid Chris getting me sick...bum! :P lol!It's my friend Matt's BIRTHDAY!! YAY!!! GO HIM!!! He's now 20-something...I don't remember lol go me lol! I'm really hyper right now and i dont know why...? I'm "strange" lol!! Go me!! hehehehe!!!
Sh-well Im gonna go crash...mesa tired and I need my beuty rest ;) lmao!!! Nighty-nite ladies and gents ;);)
Oh one more thing...Mal...don't worry for me...I'll pull through...or I might drown in it all...but either way...I'll never change...not again...
Today was a great day, Sharlyn had to go to work this morning but I got up at the time when Sharly's mom and I had to pick her up, so it was good. I was so tired from the night before...lol!
I went to Amy's birthday party and Erica, Phil, Sharlyn, Jason and I went outside to "have a smoke" when they pulled out a 40 of smirnoff and a joint...i didn't have any of the joint since the smell makes me sick. :P Oh well I got enough alcohol in my system to make me feel AWESOME!!! :D:D (Sorry Mal...I couldn't resist) ... I can't spell lmao!!
I think Mal is mad at me...for whatevery I've one hun..I'm sorry...even though I'm a tiny bit drunk...I still am sorry..really sorry if I've done anyting to make you angry at me...lobing-grr..??
i talk to chris quite a bit today...it was funny to hear him all confused when i changed the subjet really quickly when i was a)uncomfertable...or b)talking to Sharlyn...lmao!
Today was great day! I really enjoyed this one! It makes me realize...life is really worth living and not throwing it away right into the hands of death...if he wants me to die...he'll do it him self, not by me! That's for damn sure!
Anywho, to go on with my day! :
I got up at 5:30am...as usual, got dressed, washed my face, brushe my hair blah blah blah, pack all my stuff for the weekend, and got into the and headed off for school. I had Sharlyn's diskman for the night and the batteries died in the car while I was asleep...stupid batteries lol. After my two hour drive, I get to school, have my traditional morning smoke and head down stairs. My spare was pretty boring...don't remember it lol. The I had period four spare! Go team!!! *thumbs up* After my second spare, I had gym...badminton...BOOOO!! BORING!! :P After that I had my handball game at lunch. My team kicked ass! 13-3. I was goal keep and the three thatI let in were cheap goals :P I almost got into a fight with the ref and got kicked out of the game! lol, it was pretty funny. After the game..smoke break lol. It was a victory smoke for our win lol! After luch, I chilled in the basement with Jen, Sharlyn, and Chris and we played 'Asshole'...and I was ass for almost EVERY game...till i pulled double 3's for Chris...MWA-HAHAHAHA!!! And i didn't cheat Chris :P:P lol! Then I had english...I had to read one of the parts in the play and i was forced to read it with n english accent..lol! It was brutal lol! The came period 5 spare...more boring shit! Then Sharlyin and I travilled to her place :D
We played Fatal Frame...scared the shit out of ourselves...then we had a couple of smoke breaks, then we called Chris and told him to come to the base teen dance with us, went to Tara and she dressed us up all HOT like an we went and got chris...and went to the dance. It was tres fun!! :D:D:D
Crystal came onto me allllll night! She likes me...but I only like her as a friend...and it's hard for me to ate my friends...it always ends in a disastor :P Oh well, the music was good and I tried to teach Sharlyn to dance, and she tried to teach chris how to grid...FAIL!! Both of them lol!
Well that's all for now, I have to go to sleep...tiiiiiiired!! Laterz!!
The sens lost...again...stupid leafs :p HATING-GRR!!! I hate Toronto, they have all the cool teams...but they suck...in my opinion...but Jen loves the leafs!! BOO LEAFS!! .... GO SHARKS lol!!! Right Jade? lol!
Well more people hate me...all because of one stupid teenage guy...fucking Bernardo! Jesus!! I thought I was distroying a life! I just lost my best friend to him! Kendra is turning her back on me and taking his side! WTF?! This is what she wrote to me on Yahoo: halfling_rogue: K-san says that you and Burns are being the biggest, selfish retards on the face of the planet and both of you need to grow up, get your heads out of your asses, and figure out what the hell you're going to do with your lives. o.o;; eXistenZ: tell her to shut the fuck up and i'll do what i wanna do when i wanna do it halfling_rogue: Okies. o.o; She says won't be at your funeral. .;; I don't want to know, do I? eXistenZ: no you dont? and what funeral?! halfling_rogue: She says never mind. eXistenZ: IM not the one trying to KILL MY SELF!! remember? halfling_rogue: She says you were, and that you really did not help eXistenZ: whatever, he had no right to say that shit to me! i dont care how pissed he was! halfling_rogue: K: Well, no shit it was wrong of him, but you didn't exactly justify anything by throwing it back at him! In fact, if anything you have NO right to get pissed off at what he did, since YOU DID THE EXACT SAME THING BACK. I'm sick of trying to mediate between you two. It's like trying to break up two little kids. eXistenZ: whatever halfling_rogue: K: Berns kinda surprised me with this whole thing, but YOU I'm not surprised about. I just thought that for maybe ONCE in your life you would TRY to have some common sense. Dammit, Mandy, I've been your friend since seventh grade, and since we left Sawmill you have become one of the biggest assholes I've ever known. You don't do anything worthwhile to help other people, near as I can tell anymore, and what you DO do is always self-destructive. You don't even try to listen to anyone who even attempts to help you. It's like trying to keep a bratty kid from playing with dynamite. No,. wait, you probably do that too, don't you? eXistenZ: i see, so this is what you think of me? fine
And that's pretty much it...I haven't talk to her since...she really hates me...but it wasn't completely my fault! ...God damn it!! Why do I even bother...? This just doesn't seem fair...but i guess I did have it coming to me...but why Kendra? She's always been there for me...and now she takes his side for something that wasn't even my fault! So what that I was going out with Chris! He didn't have to no did he?! No he didn't! And people nmow are just really starting to make me wonder...who really are my friends...and who is really there just because they don't want to make me feel bad? I don't think I can answer that question...
First off I want to say I'm sorry (<--to Mal) I shouldn't have done what I did...and I'm stupid...blah blah blah.> Anywho! Today was a wicked day! I showed up at Mal's at 10:10am...when I was supposed to be there at 10:30am...my bad ;) Sorry again Mal :P At 11:30am we headed over to Katies and played some pool while waiting for everyone else to show up. Which I kicked her ASS in!! Yea you heard me Mal lol! Then when everyone else came, Steve and I had to games...both which I think I lost :P ...stupid pool lol. After seeing everyone today, I felt alot better because I know that there are people who care about me and would be deeply hurt if I did go to sleep last night and didn't wake up due to all those pills.
Mal...I wanna say thanx to you hun. If it wasn't for you...I might be in a hospital some where...or worse...I might have died. Love you deeply and never let me pull that again! EVER!!
After I got home i got ransacked with chores from my mom and dad..."clean this" and "clean that" Grrr!! HATING-GRRR!! Then I went out to the basket ball court with Magan, Amy, Ritch, Timmy, Stephane, and Nik and Stephan and Timmy got into this HUGE fight! I was trying to stop them but they wouldn't listen so I let them go at it and let them drain some of there ego out on eachother lol. It was quite funny to watch tho lol.
Well g2g have to do other stuff! LATERZ!!
P.s: the dates on all my journals are going to be fucked up for a bit...I appologise :P
I've done something that I shouldn't have...but it seemed right at the time...but it feels sorta wrong now. I should hae said good-bye to eeryone before i did it...but i couldn't. I could have everyone wonder why i was sayign good bye... But I can do it this way...or at least try:
~*~Mal~*~: You are strong, smart, and beautiful...no matter what anyone says or what you say about your self. Always remember that you can lose tons of weight but its the self image that has to change. When you know ur beautiful inside and out...then you know that you can lose the weight and still not feel overweight. Love you hun!
~*~Jade~*~: You've done so much for me hun that words can't explain them all. You've showed me how a friend can hurt and care for anyone they want...even if they don't even know them. I may have only known you this little while...but you're the best kiddo, and keep ur chin up!
~*~Kayla~*~: Musicals, high school, drama...stuff. What else is there that we have to do? NOTHING! That's right! We've done so much that we can tell our grandkids stories...even though we'll forget half of them with our bad memory ;)But besides that, I've gotten to know you so much, and even though we had some rough patches, we got through them and now look at us...were good friends and when i was have a tough time at home i would have been able to stay with you and for that i thank you...very much.
~*~Erica~*~: Not matter what anyone says, you will always be my friend. We have been through to many hard times and to many good times to let anything get between us. No person can change our friendship erica...not even my brother ;)Thanx for always being there kid.
~*~Katie~*~: One statement: Stay happy and never change hun!
~*~Chris~*~: What to write about you...you've done more then you should have and gave more time then you should hae to a stone cold bitch like me. I don't truly understand why you stayed with me for so long, but all I can do is say I'm sorry for ruining your life. You have a strong will and soul and that will bring you far through life. Keep your chin and head up and no matter what happens to you...always be there for people through thick and thin, and no one will ever turn there back on you!
Those are all the people I could think of right now...I feel a little drowsey...I'm going to go to bed as soon as I eat some dinner...I only have 23...I'm sorry for what I've done to you all...I've distroyed to much...
Chris and I have broken up...again. He wants me to tell him all the reasons why I did. But how can I? The words won't come to me verbally or in written form. I have no idea what I'm going to do. Jeremy was jumping for joy that i broke up for him. But how did he know? I can only think of one person! *glares at Jade* but...*sigh* it doesn't matter anymore...I guess.
I haven't been sleeping again...it really sux...my little friend is back and he's really starting to freak me out. I've tryed everything i could think of. Even going to a damn priest for christ sake! Nothing has worked. Maybe if I ignore him he'll just go away :wink: or he might get really pissed... :shock: ...whatever. I deserve whatever is coming to me I guess.
I've destroyed to many lives already...*sigh*...what can I do to make this pain stop? Only one answer srings to mind but I can't leave my brother...he needs me...and I need him...he's the only one who acctually listens and understands me. He also understands the person who is really inside me. Not a strong, indapendent teen-age girl...but a sniveling, crying, lost child. That's who I really am. I tried to cover it up for so long with this...fasaud so people wouldn't pick on me. I picked up when I was picked on in grade school and didn't have any friends...I only had myself.
I guess that's why I turned to other things...like drugs, booze, crime...attempted suicide. But then I ran into one little tiny problem: cops! They fucked up everything i had going for me! I could have made so much money off all the drugs I'd sell. But on the other hand...if it wasn't for that one cop who cought me...I wouldn't be who I am...I'd probably be dead...or worse...in jail...again.
*sigh* ...why me...? FUCK IT ALL TO HELL AND BACK!!
Blech! I shouldn't have drinkin that 24 with Steph, Tim, Magan and Amy. My stumach feel funny. My doc says I have a minor allergy to beer from how much I drank at that kegger. Whatever, I'll drink that shit any way if there's nothing else! Except if it's the really cheap shit...then HELL'S no!! I don't wanna be puking my guts out just from drinking that piss water. Stupid Quebecers.
Sh-watever...I don't care any more for what happens to me. I really don't care if my mom pulls me from cadets and I get thrown back in jail...I really don't care...I'll be alone...and I'm going to die alone...
... ... to everyone out there ... ... I'm sorry for what I'm going to do... ... ...
I GOT INTO ALGONQUIN!!!! YAY!!! I'm going to be a cop!!! Woo-hoo!!! :D Mwa-hahahahahahaahahaha!! ! I get gun :twisted: The only down side is that Tommy is going to be in my class!! :cry: NOOOOOOOO!!!!! He's going to think he's all that and a bag of chips when he's NOT!! BUt on the bright side I get a gun..er..I mean...I get to buy Guy's old books for a great price!! Go team!! Another bad thing is that They do a criminal record check..boo on that!
My dog's dieing of congested heart failer... :cry::cry::cry::cry::cry: ... ... ... *sigh* ... ... ...
Catching up on a few things that's happened: A couple of weekends ago i went to a Military base to do my National Star Certification Examination (NSCE for short) i did really well...well I passed didn't I lol! Miko got first overall in Onatrio and i'm really happy for her. She wanted to tell her parents that she failed and that they gave her the plack for pity. But Alex had to go and ruin her fun..good job Alex :P lol!
My parents are trying to get me to go back to christian church! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That's fucking funny mom :P:P I will NEVER go into a christian church unless I absolutly have too!! NEVER AGAIN!!! MWA-HAHAHAhAhA!!! I rule the world...well...not really...lol :)
Well gots to go...I have le math class :P BOO MATH!!! DIE MS. ENGLE DIE!!! MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA...hahaha....heh heh...*ahem* :P
O poço I começou na merda principal com meu professor do math hoje e não está fresco! Eu odeio-a ASSIM muito!!
O Jade e eu têm bebido e é sido divertimento!! WEEE!!! Nós tivemos apenas alguma Holy-Merda e alguns suco de Tequila e alaranjado e vodka. É grande, você que todos devem tentar algum começar a tudo esse STRESS DO CARALHO FORA de SUA PARTE TRASEIRA!!!
Eu estou indo a dois partidos este fim de semana. Um em alguma área da baía, e o outro no lugar de Burnardo do amigo do mt, que um é uma bebida Mmmmmm do kegger...!!! * drool *
Eu estou indo pôr um curse sobre meu math ensino o ms. Engel. * Riso evil * está indo ser divertimento. Eu pude pôr um sobre alguma outra pessoa. Pensa que viu ghosts no passado? Aquelas são mentiras... que tem não ver a merda. Vê-los-á definatly agora! MWA-HAHAHA!!!
Eu estou no telefone com Chris e eu estou dizendo-lhe para não fazer o divertimento dos alcoholics!! Grrr!! Machos stupid!!
WOO-HOO!!! GO SATAN!!!! WEEEE!!!...i'm really hyper :D
This is just creepy...: Your Q Score is: 11 The Q score ideally should be as small as possible, indicating maximum agreement among elements. However, even a tiny Q score may not mean optimal functioning, since all four elements may in fact be relatively undeveloped.
Your Primary Mythical Creature
Fire Types The main strength of the Fire types is achievement. The second element indicates the most probable focus for this urge to achieve.
Wyvern Fire and Water
Astrologically associated with Aries and the First House
Wyvern types are courageous, idealistic, and passionately concerned with personal rights and justice for the individual. They are among the most outgoing of all the types, highly sociable both at work and at play. They are tirelessly active with respect to other people and are rarely alone. They have a strong moral and ethical sense that makes them fiercely loyal and protective of those they love. They are implacable champions of the underdog and are strongly motivated to help others help themselves. They make good leaders of the democratic variety. They are drawn to competitive activities and group activities. They are exuberant, larger-than-life characters who are guaranteed to get things moving and make events fun, although quieter types may find them overpowering.
Your Shadow Creature
Earth Types All the Earth types have problems relating to productivity and stability. The weakest element indicates the main focus of these problems.
Gryphon Earth and Air
This shadow is irrational and unreasonable. They are plagued by a sense of uncertainty and are especially concerned about theft and loss of property. They can become quite paranoid about the motives of other people and despite being sociable in nature they have issues relating to trust. They are prone to bizarre delusions centering on lack of personal security. They are in different ways both self-neglecting and self-indulgent, ignoring genuine physical needs while simultaneously exhibiting hypochondria. Their frenetic lifestyle often reflects a neurotic need to escape a sense of insubstantiality. The biggest obstacle of weak Air is to overcome prejudice and ignorance; the biggest obstacle of weak Earth is to overcome self-centeredness and greed.
Jesus I am le tired!!! I just got back from a friends place since I wasn't able to go clubing with my brother and Jade...stupid change of plans!! :evil: But instead I went out with Kendra and just...well...hung out lol. Now I get to spend the rest of the weekend memorizing my chior music *tear*. But I'm supposed to hang out with Jade on Sunday...as long as she doesn't get grounded again...again being the key word (Luv you Jade :wink: )
God sleeping sucks!! If I could go the rest of my life without sleeping...I would!! Honestly! I would get some much more homework done and I might be able to beat that demon/monster/boss in Bikinal Desert in FFX-2!! Grrrrrr!!! Stupid demon/monster/boss...thing!!
Today before I left to Kendra's I found my grandma's ring that she gave me before she died. I just started jumping around my romm screaming! My mom thought I had finally snapped lol. So now I'm wearing it and I'm never going to take it off...like I was supposed to do the last time...but it didn't really work out lol!
When Kendra and I went out I had to go to the store to pick up some stuff and what does the weather do? It starts pissing down rain!!! AHHH!!! I was pissed! My smokes got soaked and so did everything else in my pockets!! Including my zippo which now has to dry out since it doesn't light...peice of shit!! Then as soon as got into the store it stops raining, then when I go to leave...it starts fucking raining again!!!! GRRRR!!!!!!!!
I really need a smoke...but they're DRYING!!! AHHHH!!!!!! *tear*
Sh-well...that's all for right now... LATERZ!!! ...stupid smokes...*sigh*
Blech spares are boring! :? There's nothing to do!! WAHHH!!!! Everyone's gone to that Sears Festavile thingy and I'm stuck all alone :cry: ...Sh-watever, I have Jen still! :D Go team lmao!!
I'm bored...but hyper...*shrugs* meh lmao!! Everything is so funny right now. Maybe I still have a little bit of that weed smoke in me lmao!! And the booze hehehehehehe!!!!
I don't wanna work on my ISU mommy!!!! WAAAAHHHH!!!!!! WEE!!! When you're a kid an you wanna go wee but you don't got drugs yet. Hang on to ur little...gonads...and strife! lmao!!!!!
I LUV Lion King 1 1/2!! It's so funny!! I was kiling my self laughing when i watched it at Chris's and commenting on how gay Timon and Pumba are lol! It was really funny hehehehe!! Then I got showed that i supposidly look like the chic from Matchstick Men...even though I don't! All thgat's the same about us is eye colour, we roll our eyes the same way, we smile the same and she does this little smirk thing I do. We look nothing alike!! (we really don't Chris :wink: ) Meh, whatever. Don't matter.
I get to have the pleasure of going to a Roman Catholic church on sunday at 8:30am to talk to a really old priest who does excercisms...or how ever you spell it lol! He's so old that i had to repeat shit on the phone 4 or 5 times so he could hear me lol. There's gonna be a medium there to so he can "get in touch" with Juliene. He doesn't want to talk to anyone. All he wants to do is kill a certian someone...not naming names because it would probably freak the person out a little that a ghost wants to kill them :?
Changing topic again lol. I moving :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: NOOO!!!! I don't wanna go!!! i don't want to have to be in a car at 4am to make it to school on time :P It's in Quebec to. And all the teenagers do there is; not go to school, drink, and do drugs. And I'm pretty much clean from drugs, I don't drink...often, and I go to school...maybe not to class...but I go to school lol!!!
Well...I'm offically freaked out now. I know who my ghost is...it's Juliene...and if you don't know who he is, he's an ex of mine...well he was till he killed him self awhile ago. We were dating at the time...and he killed himself while i was in the living room and he said he had to get something from up stairs...yea...that's who he is.
But the ghost doesn't look anything like Juliene. He's older and really gross looking with all the slashes and stuff. *shudder* it's freaky. I found this out last night...well...this morning when I wasreally upset and fell asleep by accident. I was in my bathroom and staring into the mirror and Juliene was there, i felt happy until he changed into the ghost. I freaked at him and asked where Juliene was and he said that he was Juliene. I didn't want to belive him but he then called me "Tweety" and that was Juliene's nick name for me. And the only person who knew that was Juliene.
My question is why does he give me the nightmares of me killing people and him killing Steve and Chris...and why does he kill me? I have a vauge yet twisted reason why...Juliene said we'd always be together and he never liked it when I was with another guy. He was kinda jelous...but just a little bit. Maybe Mal's right, maybe he's trying to scare me away from having people close to me that's not him.
A lot of people wonder why I'm an insomniac...it's not that I can't sleep. It's that I dream...well...not really dream...more like I have nightmares...I have the same nightmare everytime I sleep...I know that it sounds stupid...but I now fear sleep...this is why...
I'm running...I don't know where I'm just running. I hear screaming and gun shots. The screams are in pain and absolute terror. I stop running to try and find where the screams are coming from. But there's nothing...only darkness. An eternal darkness.
My hands are heavy...weighted down...I look at my hands and I'm holding a gun my gun. A double barrel 12 gaudge shot gun. The barrel is smoking...it was fired several times, and I reload it out of instinct that I have to.
I look up...I'm in the school, downstairs by my locker. Blood paints the floor, walls and splatters on the ceiling. There's people dead all around me. A dozen at least. They're missing limbs and some are dieing from loss of blood. They scream as they die...
...did I do this...?...but I wouldn't...would I...?
I look around and I see some of my firends dead:...Jade, shot in the back...Mal, she's bleeding to death against the wall from a missing arm and leg...I tell her not to move...but she does anyway...I shot her...she's dead. I see Andrew and Steve...Andrew's missing half his head from a close range shot to the head and Steve has a single bullet to the forehead. It was from a hand gun...there's another shooter...
I hear a scuffling by the lockers to my left...I look...It's Chris. He's terrified, has spashes of blood on him...but unhurt...I don't understand why...and for some reason I don't care. Something grabs my foot, I look down...It's Katie. She begs me to stop, I try to say I'm sorry but the words don't come...I point the gun down at her and I shoot her in the face. He head blows apart and blood, peices of flesh, skull and brain spray every where.
I stagger back a few paces and I fall to my knees and throw the gun away from me. I begin to cry...but not in sadness...but in frustration...why is this happening...?!...I don't understand...!!! I hear foot steps and laughter...I look up...
It's him that ghost who's been following me...He continues laughing as he walks towards me, but it soon fades. i look over at Chris...he stares back in total horror. I try to move away from the ghost...but I can't. He puts a hand on my shoulder and forces me to look up at his face. His gashes are raw and the blood that drips from his chin feels like acid when it splashes on my face. He smiles at me an says: "Life is better in Death. There is no more pain...no more sadness...only freedom."
He turns his attention to Chris. He pulls out a hand gun...my hand gun and he says to Chris, "No more pain..." He starts to shoot Chris. I look away but I count the shots. Six. 6 out of 8 shots. He killed Steve. The ghost turns back to me. Puts the gun barrel to my head. He smiles and pulls the trigger.
That's when I wake up and all I can hear echoing through my head is his laughter and him saying "Get it over with."
That's why I don't sleep. But every time I do...I have that dream. I can't belive that I killed everyone and I still don't know why I would.
I wrote that dream down and my psychotrist is making me use it as a journal entry...and he might be showing my journals to the doctors at the ROH...I'm crazy...and I know what's going to happen. They're going to dope me up just like they did to Kaili!! And I won't be able to tell left from right!!
I won't let them do it!! I'll find a way out of this...any way will do...!
I'm sitting here at Kendra's place, hungry...dinners gonna be ready soon :D bored, and praying my bro will be okay. I know that i don't show it very often, but I care for my brother so much that he practically runs my life...I know it sounds sad but it's true. I don't want to lose him as part of my family. And since I don't have a dad anymore, he's the only male family figure I can really look up too. Everyone tells be to blow him off when he tries to rule my life by not going some place or not hanging around someone because he doesn't feel right arouind them...but I can't do that. He's my brother, I love him to death and if he gets pissed at me...I just want to die...it's kinda sad really...
But I don't care what anyone says anymore, everyone can go FUCK themselves for all I care!! I don't give a SHIT!!!!! :cry: I'm just so worried that some day I'm going to hear on the news that Jeremy died and I wasn't able to help him...or be there as he's scared and dieing in the hospital for a seizure, or a bad fight or something else. All that my brother ever did was look out for me, and that's what I got to do for him.
... ... I have to find him... ... somehow... ...
I know people are trying to help me out by saying that i can stay with them, but it's really not that bad. I mean sure I got booted from the place that's supposed to be my soft place to fall... but it was never like that... ... ever. It was more like a war zone and when I ever need a shoulder to cry on for pulling something stupid with friends or whatever I never had that shoulder. My parents were always at each others throat and my brother was able to get away from it with alcohol and stuff... ... i guess that's the reason I turned to drugs... ... alcohol... ... smoking etc. Just to get away from it all. When i started to do drugs, I started small...weed, shrooms etc. The small light stuff right? Then that wasn't enough, I needed more to keep myself mello and zoned from the pain of home. So I jumped a major step, crack, cocaine, herowine...acid...named it, I've probably done it. Except for Angel's Dust. I never got a chance to do that stuff... ... it cost to much.
If it wasn't for my friends...I think I'd still be out there, snorting lines, taking shots...gambling...who knows, I might even have been standing on a street corner doing anything for a little cash to get my drugs... ... I don't think I would have lasted that long... ... When I got clean I swore to myself that I would never do it again... ... but I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep that promise. I have no soft place to fall. My friends are turning their backs on each other and I just can't take it any more!!!! :cry: I need something to make me feel better and i threw that away a while ago...for a stupid reason... ... ... ...
I guess going back to that is better then turning the gun on my self... like I've already tried to many times...
Well it's 8:30am and I'm bored...and fucking exhausted! I didn't sleep well last night because I'd get to hot under the covers, then when I'd kick them off, I'd be to cold! :x Stupid sickness. I have a swollen throat and the doc gave me some Cepracol (Or how ever you spell it :wink: ) and I'm like, "That shit cures cancer" and the doc laughed. I guess it was kinda funny lol. I got the biggest lunch ever!! I mean bigger then usual lol. I was thinking to my self, I'm not going to be able to eat all this...oh well, I can have a snack during English :wink:
I figured my life couldn't get any worse....right...WRONG I got kicked out of my house with my brother, I have no idea where he is, and My parents don't give a shit about him or me anymore!! :( That's not cool. I don't think he has his pillz and....I dont even wanna think about what could happen to him. :cry: :cry: :cry:
On a lighter note, I got 20 red roses yesterday. I was shocked, and I looked like hell when I got them lmao. I had been sick the last few days after canadian idol, i hadn't had a shower in a few days, I was pale...well...i looked like i died and just crawled out of my grave lmao!!
Well thats all the news I can remember right now. LATERZ!
Goddamn it people!! Making Kate laugh about potatoes and SINGE!!!!!!!!!! Go get some sleep Kate! Jesus!! :x
My GOD!! Chris clean your room you little bastard!!! It's DISGUSTING!!! Mal and Jade, I are going to clean your room to the point that its...well...clean :? And you're going to LIKE IT!!! Kami little bastard!!! And it is spelt KAMI!!! It's a japanese word for God! :twisted:
Well my last couple of days couldn't really get any worse. My mom got laid off from work and my dad quit .< Stupid fucking kami bastards!! GRR!!! Well, there's nothing >I can really do about it. My parents are just going to have to get on their feet with out mine and my brothers help. Shwatever. :wink:
On another note, MY ARMS KILL!!!!!!!! It's not le fair! A couple of people forget their friggen PT hats at home and we ALL have to suffer!!! I mean c'mon! 110 push-ups, 55 sit-ups, 30-some burpies, 20 jumping jacks, and a 20 minute run around the parade sqaure is a little much! I can barely lift my arms and barely walk for that matter. Fucking officers :evil:
I feel like I'm going to go insane!!! My brothers being a dumbass....as usual, and it's really starting to piss me off!! He doesn't share anything with me anymore. ie: food, drinks, smokes ect. And he expects me to?!?! That's funny Jer... lmao! Stupid bastard...HATING-GE!!
